Last night I lay out on my balcony on the nifty fold out hammock I got for Christmas and it occured to me that I've never actually lived alone until now. I lived at home untill I was 19 and then I was a missionary for two years. Following that period in my life I went right on to college where I had a roommate, and then when I was an R.A. and R.D. even though I had my own room I was constantly being disturbed by my job. In the last four years of marriage I always did things with my wife, rarely by myself. And here I am today. Soon to be divorced, in my own apartment, and for the first time ever in my life, living alone.
As I contemplated the new feelings associated with whats been going on in my life and this new feeling of being alone I wanted to get on the internet or turn on the television. A DVD didn't cut it for me, my life lines connecting me like umbilical cords to the world are cut. To save money I have chosen not to have those services piped into my apartment, so to deal with this sense of disconnectedness I grabbed my only connection to the world, people, friends, and a sense of control and belonging. I dialed an old friend I haven't talked to in almost two years: we caught up, talked about each others lives, talked about each others struggles, and by the end of an hours time I felt the unease inside of me fade.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry this is a lonely time for you right now, Ryan. It was good to get your comment on my blog, though -- only to find your picture and profile. I hope you have a good year, despite the rough start.
:)
I wish I had had your number - I was feeling exactly the same way at exactly the same time. And contemplating a divorce of my own. How is it? In all the loneliness, is there a sense of new found freedom?
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